Hope everyone is having a great start to the week! Just got back from a wonderful 2 days and one night in one of the greatest cities in the world NYC!
Just like we did for Zoey's birthday back in April we took in another night staying in Times Square at the Mariott after catching a Broadway show (Aladdin this time) for Violet's birthday, we spent the next morning walking around and we hit Madamn Tussauds Wax museum before heading home. We had a blast I really enjoy spending time with the girls when it's just the four of us. I have to say we really do have some well behaved and absolute angels for daughters I truly am blessed. They are growing up so fast and I'm cherishing this time with them before they become more obsessed with boys and friends than their dear old dad.
I was glad I took another long weekend too because I've had a difficult and stressful few weeks which when I thought about why it gave me the topic for this week....
Things have still been going well on the HEAL front. Honestly things have been more of the same not much has changed. I'm in the normal groove of entering calories, doing my yoga (disc 2 has been really kicking my ass, but in a good way) and watching my intake but it seems that I've taken on a new addiction to add to the pile with the rest and it seems to be causing me much (not) needed stress and that is coming from the numbers.
I've noticed lately that I have been getting really stressed and suffering from what I think are anxiety attacks. I get home from a long work day and there are times where after looking at a computer screen all day, driving home for 90 minutes then switching to this phone at night I lay on the couch completely drained of energy and all I want to do is sleep. There are even times I can feel a heaviness in my chest and will have difficulty breathing after a stressful moment or event and I was trying to think to myself why? I'm the healthiest I've ever been for awhile now I'm exercising, drinking the kale, eating the salads, keeping as active as I can trying to stay clear of the things that used to run me down.....so why am I feeling like this? It then dawned on me recently once I had a few days this weekend to collect my thoughts....
im not sure if everyone deals with this in their lives but I've been spending the majority of my time worrying and thinking about numbers.
As some of you know I work for a marketing firm, I'm a family man and I'm a musician and for the first time since I picked up a pair of sticks and sat in front of a beat up old drumset at the ripe age of 14 I'm writing and putting out music completely on my own.
Sure I've had some amazing help from friends putting this album together and I have a great new group of musicians backing me up so I can perform live again but at the end of the day, when HEAL is finally released my name is on the cover so it's all on me.
Its exciting and I'm really looking forward to it but at the same time ever since I started this album, along with this new lifestyle I've become a little obsessed with numbers more than ever before. It used to be just one or two things I used to worry about that were about numbers but now it seems like all I can think about are those digits:
How much is in my bank account? Am I ok? Do I have enough to pay my bills?
What are my numbers for the month at work? Am I making enough sales for my clients and my company so they are happy and I can keep my job?
I just put out a new single, how many listens is it getting each week? How many views do I have on YouTube? Are they full listens or just partial? Is anyone even listening at all?
I just posted a blog, how many reads am I getting? Is it more than the last one?
I'm about to invest in releasing this album how many Pre-orders do I have? Will I have enough to cover costs? Is anyone going to actually purchase this album when it comes out?
When I post this stuff (or anything on social media) how many likes does it have? How many comments? Are people sharing or retweeting? Does anyone care about any of this?
How many calories did I consumer today? How many do I have left? Is my Fitbit synching correctly where are the calories I earned? How many calories is this thing that I'm eating?
How many steps did I take? How am I doing step wise against my friends? Is my heart rate high enough when I do my yoga? Am I burning calories or just wasting my time?
How much do I weigh now? How about now? Am I still losing? Man I shouldn't of eaten that Reuben this weekend or drank those beers on the 4th maybe I should weigh myself now..is this scale working? Am I letting the people who are reading this down?
This is In no way a public cry for people to feel sorry for me so you can buy or listen to my music or anything of that nature. I cannot stand people who do that and there are people I know close to me or in passing that are going through way more serious issues than this!
But, it really opened my eyes to something I've been doing to myself and maybe...just maybe you are doing it too and maybe this can help you as well.
You are not a number
You're flesh and bone. A father, a mother, a husband, a wife, a coworker, a friend, a family member and most inportant a human being first.
I told myself when I started all this that I was not going to worry about all of this stuff but here I am, worrying. Sure, you have to be wary of things to a degree you can't just swipe your debit card like a maniac or bury your head in the sand and not give a fuck about consequences but at the same time you can't let these numbers ruin and affect your health and sanity.
There are times where I wake up, look in the mirror and feel great but then if I jump on the scale I look at the number and go "eh...no change" I don't feel so great anymore.
Or there's times where I write a blog entry or finish a song and think to myself "man this is great" but when it's out and in cyberspace I'll check those pages and go "oh man, seems like interest is fading" or "I thought this would of gotten more attention"
I've decided to go back to the promises I made to myself at the beginning of this year. When it comes to my art and my health I'm not going to obsess about the numbers anymore. Doesn't matter what the scale says or how many albums sell. In the end, if I'm happy, feeling good and if I'm trying my best that's what counts.