The Demon Inside
Howdy Ho Everyone!
Well it's been another busy couple of days for your struggling hero. The good news though is that all good things have been going on.
Since I last checked in myself and the family have been busy with weekdays and weekends full of softball practices, dance classes, girl scouts and this past weekend we spent a lovely Sunday doing our annual trip to Quassy for the March for Babies event! The team raised a lot of money for a great cause, for great people and it was a warm beautiful days spent with my girls and the in-laws!
Normally I am the "hang out half way and grab the girls if they run out of steam guy with the car" and did so again this year but I must admit this was the first year since the 4 years we have been going that I looked at my wrist with the Fitbit and wished I could of done the walk too! No worries though, next year definitely and I will look for some other events where I can get some steps in before that. I still got a ton of steps in regardless though. Anyone know of any please comment below or on the social media!
I have noticed the past few weeks that I am still on the "40 pound Plateau" and have been getting frustrated by it still. I'm still taking in under my calories, doing my yoga at least three times a week and have been feeling awesome but I can't seem to drop any more and am feeling stuck. I'm still losing about 10lbs a month which is the right way to do it but I'm getting anxious to drop more and trying to figure out how to do so ...but do it correctly.
This is the time I spoke about in my last entry where I used to get frustrated in the past, the demon begins to show his face and take me down the path of my old ways.
Oh wait? You don't have your own personal demon? Well allow me to elaborate for you all....
My demon is a nasty little fellah. He's not like the stupid guy in the red suit and pitchfork that looks like me and sits on my shoulder while the Angel sits on the other and they fight like in those stupid movies. Come to think of it, I don't think I even have a visual pic of him in my head. If I had to choose what he looks like he probably could be a red Gunnery Sergeant from Full Metal Jacket who smokes cigars and listens to New Age (cause come on metal heads, I'm sorry I doubt Satan is into what you guys are doing. But please keep doing it I enjoy a good Norwegian Death Metal ditty once in awhile)
He is not the voice of positive well wishes and good cheer, but he's the voice much like the evil Sith that either lures me to the dark side, or chooses to berate me, treat me like shit and breaks my spiritual spine.
In the beginning, I started hard with no sugar, no carbs and no soda but as time went on after realizing every food has either one or the other and was driving me nuts I just started to just not eat junk and stuck under the calorie goal. Sure it works but doing that can easily make you slip and the demon can use that to his advantage. The past few weeks have been going like so:
Come on you fat fuck! Who gives a shit, eat that bacon cheeseburger and fries tubby..it's not working and you've earned it!
Why do you bother getting up and doing yoga? You're not losing anything anymore and you're starving! Just say fuck it and go get a McGriddle! If you don't enter in that house arrest bracelet you call a Fitbit it doesn't count right?
I swear maybe I'm going all Sybil but I seriously do have these conversations in my head sometimes and I don't know why but I've been known to put myself down in my head for decades when I'm feeling blue or frustrated (especially when I would get loaded on booze or the next day hangovers. Man the demon looooves to hang out and speak in your ear when your feeling pukey from the night after)
I swear I don't know if I ever told this out loud before but I used to have this recurring dream where I was dead. It was outside in the cold and I'm laying in an open coffin doing the old Dracula thing with my hands in a nice suit still but I can still see what's going on. One by one everyone I know that I ever loved friends, family, everyone walks up to the coffin and I can see them above me looking down....
And one by one they spit on me and walk away...
What the fuck is that all about?! I really need a professional to tell me what that means
But ever since I started this new lifestyle the beginning of this year I can honestly say those dreams and that demon hasn't shown his face in these parts anymore. I know that what I am doing is what I should be doing and it will pay off eventually. I might overdue it sometimes but those times are light years away from what I was doing even as early as a year ago....hell even a few months ago! I know I'm doing better when I tell myself "damn why did I get the big salad"
I feel awesome, I know I'm a good person and that I try my best. I have to keep reminding myself that sometimes and that although 260lbs is where I am at now and used to be my "wake up weight" where I used to start my crazy diets on at the end of Christmas I was close to if not over 300lbs. Losing 40 lbs in four months going on month five with looser clothes, more energy and a clearer outlook is a win.
Onward and upward...