This week was truly the week of testing myself.
Although I've been feeling great since I've started this journey to heal, there has certainly been some rough terrain that really tested my will power this week. Coming off sugar, carbs and overall junk food really is like coming off of a bad drug. I used to laugh when people would say that about food in the past, but after 2 weeks now of making healthy choices and struggling to find things that weren't loaded with sugars and carbs I could feel the cracks start to form in my brain.
Having a really rough work week at the office didn't help, but I could feel myself at times feeling literally like a raw nerve. I was irritable, anxiety ridden and really depressed to the point where I got home one day after work, sat down and just cried. Not like sobbing, but I got so overwhelmed thinking and looking around at everything that I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks as I sat there and zoned out while looking at my phone. I could tell the physical change in me was affecting my emotional state and I felt like I was going through the "DT's"
Also didn't help that after being in this state after not finding anything to eat in the house that was "good", when I drove into town to pick up some Chinese Take Out of shrimp and steamed chicken I got pulled over and got a ticket! OK, my fault my headlight was out and I did not have the "proper paperwork" she was looking for, but as I drove away I must have yelled more obscenities (to her and myself) and punched the steering wheel more times in a 3 mile ride that I could count. I kept thinking and yelling "I try so hard and this is what you do to me?" I was done...
Now these are the types of bad days or weeks where "Old Gregry" would of picked up a shopping cart of "snacks", a 12 pack of cheap-o beer, stuck his middle finger in the air, yell "Fuck you world!" and self-medicate but you know what? I didn't. I rode it out, sucked it up like a big boy and by the end of the week it got better and I was proud that I didn't cave in. It's like that saying "Don't let the bastards get you down" I refused this time to let others and situations knock me over. I still gave the world the middle finger, but I did it while eating a healthy dinner!
So much so that by the time Saturday came, I was feeling great. I sucked down a delicious "Green Machine" drink for breakfast, took a shower, got dressed and got the kids ready for dance class. I recently bought a T-Shirt I really wanted from an old school punk/hardcore band 7Seconds and normally when I put a new T shirt on I get even if It's big like XXXL It doesn't feel comfortable and I'm pulling it over my knees to "give it a little more room" but this time? It fit nice! I wasn't tugging at it all day and it felt very comfortable. Even my jeans that I bought a bigger size on were practically falling down and this has only been 2 weeks!
One thing that I also learned that was kind of a good and bad feeling that day was "Daddy Lunch Date". Every Saturday just the girls and I go out to lunch together after dance class. I love it it's a good time for me to put my phone in my pocket, the electronics are gone, we sit, enjoy a nice meal and just talk about the week. I really look forward to it. This week, the girls wanted to go to Pizza Hut, so I figured "well I'm sure they have something there for me, they usually have a decent salad bar there from what I remember" Not this place...
I looked at the menu thoroughly and all they had was pizza, pasta and wings. They even list the calories for each entree which was truly eye opening check it out HERE. I felt stuck so I said "OK, I'll do a small boneless wings...8 pieces" Now we're talking 1,040 calories and 44 grams of Carbs (!) Not counting the 230 calories for the Blue Cheese. Normally 8 pieces of boneless wings would feel like a "snack" for me and would be accompanied by Fries and 2-3 of those Blue Cheeses to dip it all in so I figured "eh, it's better and it's all I got"
By the time I ate the 8 pieces, I felt like I was gonna throw up right in the middle of the restaurant.
I felt bad but at the same time it woke me up to the fact that I can't go back. My body is already telling me that what you were doing before was poison and that it doesn't want it anymore. There's always going to be some "cheats" down the road moving forward, I've already done it with soda once or twice so far (oh the Gulps..Sometimes I need the Gulps!) but even going into 711 for a Gulp and smokes (another habit that I hope to quit too but baby steps) instead of getting nachos drowned in cheese and chili to bring home, I picked up some "Green Machines" for later and a P3 snack that consists of cubes of turkey, cheese and almonds and it was a great! I'm excited that I look forward to my fruit/veggie drinks rather than loathing. I even ate Eggplant last night...it's a veggie it counts dammit!
Big test will be this upcoming weekend where I'm heading to WingBowl. My "Bestie" and I went last year and he won free VIP tickets this year, so we are definitely going this year. It's a blast, they have live music and I love hanging with him but we are talking @ 20 wing vendors and VIP means all the beer you can drink and 5 wings from each vendor to try and judge. We had a lot of fun last year, but my insides literally revolted the next day last time from all of the alcohol and hot wings so I can't imagine doing it at this year. We shall see...tune in next week and see how I do. I'm not going to beat myself up emotionally if I "partake" but I'll be smart about it. I realize it's not a diet..It's a lifestyle change. To quote my own goofy lyrics "Stand up, walk and breathe again"